my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dear god my vagina.
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