you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
