i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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