I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
