i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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