finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
