Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
