It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
