I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
