if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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