We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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