my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Boobs are out for the taking
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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