i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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