He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
