Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
