i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
