CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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