so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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