Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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