grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
