When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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