Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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