I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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