is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
