How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
