Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
