She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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