was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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