I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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