And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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