Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
