Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
