i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I touched a dick in church today
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
