Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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