the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
