Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
