I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
