I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Someone came in the potted fern
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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