My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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