Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
