Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
