yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
