my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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