I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
