Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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