I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
