Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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