just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
