Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
