Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just high enough for therapy.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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