I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
