I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
